Dead October
by Shinigami no Aiwa
Summary: A diary-fic, spanning one year in the lives of Duo Maxwell and Heero Yuy... their attempts to find themselves, and each other. Shounen ai, 1+2. Very angst... a long one-shot, in progress. ( 4/21- Added two more entries. )


Dead October  
Selective Entries from the Journals of Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell.  
8.197- 8.198  
  
Disclaimers: Don't own, blah blah, no money, blah blah. Yaoi/shounen ai, exceedingly cryptic language, 1+2/2+1 ( duuur...it's ME... ) angst, more angst, suicidal desires, possible deathfic, most likely horribly off characterization of Duo and Heero, lack of writing ability, cynicism... I always did put in too many warnings...  
Anyway. There are four entries for each of twelve months, or will be when I'm done. The first and third are Heero's, while the second and fourth are Duo's... that's a little evident...  
Right now I'm only at January, but I will end up getting to October...  
Enjoy, and PLEASE review if you want more confusing, pointless diary-fic. ^_^   
  
Additional notes: Any poems featured are original works of me; probably shortened, since my poems are always too long... do not take without permission, please...   
  
Notes from 5/26: hey all! Last time I checked there were three reviews, so I figured why write more if no one reads... today I see there are ten! Okay, I've been convinced. Story is continuing...   
  
October  
Empty   
  
The leaves were dancing, or falling, like the hope in your eyes. If you could only know how much I want to say what you want to hear... maybe that would redeem me. But it's too cold inside for tears or love...   
  
How, so long after the wars did we still end up together? Dependent on Quatre's charity... it doesn't rankle, after a time...   
  
October's the darkest time of my odyssey through life, when every cloud doesn't drift away but lingers on the horizon to block the sun.   
You're my only sun, though; if there was your light, what else could illumine me so much?  
You're laughing and joyous and chattering- you ARE life. As I watch you, for a moment I want to just pull out my butterfly knife and slit my throat... I love you.  
But I wish I was you, in this dream of dead october.  
You are supposed to be death's god; why am I the empty one?  
  
~~~  
  
October  
Aishiteru  
  
Can't you hear it in every word I say, the echo? " Aishiteru. " No, this isn't the ' Suki desu' or 'koi shiteru' that someone would expect from such a joker. This is Aishiteru, I can tell it.  
I'm screaming it with every desperate glance, every feverish word. I'm afraid if I can't keep talking about nothing, 'Aishiteru' will come out from all of me, out from my ears and from my eyes and worst of all, from my lips to yours. I'm bursting with the need to confess - this entire soul is filled with you.  
As we walk along this garden path, in dead and dying October, even the leaves shivering, I see how empty you feel and the love you need that only I can give.  
I can save your soul, even though you want to throw this life away. Let me be the one to salve your wounds, kiss it better and tuck you in at night. I won't let the phantoms bother you anymore; I will be your only ghost.  
  
I am in love. I am obsessed. I wouldn't change it for the world.  
  
~~~  
  
October   
Mission  
  
Luna, luna... crooning in the sky, brimming over and dissolving over my face in a waterfall.  
If I could fight again, I'd do it in a second, only to die.   
I am a soldier, bereft of war. And all I have left to live for is you... would you mind if I cried?  
Perfection is achieved throughout tears; sorrow is the greatest state of the human condition...  
So many people don't understand this; they think the perfection of war is the ability to not feel.  
  
It is the ability to feel greater than any other, the ability to live for something alone.  
  
War is gone, and peace has settled like a stifling cloak of snow. Isn't this what I wanted?  
But when the final mission is accomplished, what is left for me to love?  
  
I found something, someone better... I found my new objective. Now that war was over, I could let my passions free to the sky; I could let myself admit the new fascination that slowly claimed my life; the only thing that could break my vista of 'mission, mission'.  
  
You.   
  
But if I have you, will my love be enough? Or can I love when my objectives have always been hate?  
To live, I must have a mission. You are my mission.  
  
~~~  
  
October   
Ave Maria  
  
Life without love; is it a life worth living? Is it a life the two of us can dream in?  
For my obsession is causing me to sin, and better to cut away one member of your body than the rest go into hell.   
  
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned  
Ave gratia plena  
Chaire kecharitomene  
Ave maria.  
Hail Shinigami, full of grace  
  
he giveth and he taketh away (... hilde, I do miss you so much... you would be happy to know I'm still alive; but you do know, up there in Heaven... don't worry for me, I gave up the salvage yard...too much to do alone... but thanks to such, I found him again...)  
  
  
I wish I could be redeemed - my crucifix is tarnished. Seven deadly sins - forgive me for my lust.  
I told Father Maxwell I didn't believe in his God... maybe I learned to believe...  
There has to be a God besides Shinigami; what else could drop me so deeply into love?  
I dream Heero, I sing Heero, bleed Heero, taste Heero, and most of all love Heero. The intensity of this obsession frightens me; I want to be with him and in him... and the ruins of my church of fate still reach out, telling me it cannot be right for a man to be with a man. But I LOVE him... still waters run deep... and looking into his eyes I can see the bottomless depths, the emotions of a hurt boy locked deep within that cobalt strongbox...This lust for him is eating me alive. I want to be with him, but it's not right.  
Once I loved without reservation, and now I love in despair, uncertainy; it's wrong, isn't it?  
  
~~  
November  
Dying  
  
Now everything's dead, including what I saw as a chance at my redemption. Love can cure my stigmata; I won't have to fight again. But now I'm going away.  
I'm going away.   
I can't look at him anymore. He keeps saying he is death... he IS my life. I do not deserve him. I cannot really love him as he needs...  
I have to leave, and let him find someone. I have suspected for so long... that my heart was gone.  
I can love, but when anything draws close I will kill it. I could not kill Relena because I did not love her enough. I cannot kill Duo because I love him too much, so there is only one thing I can do.  
Leave.  
This is my final benediction, for I understand now.  
I love Duo. I cannot truly love as much as he deserves. If I draw close to that I love, I must possess. I would kill him.  
You were my mission, Duo... one I cannot complete, for it's far too dear to my heart.  
Ninmu...ryoukai. Sayonara, koibito. Aishiteru. Truly, aishiteru. Always and forever.  
  
~~~  
November  
Sunset  
  
I looked out the window and watched him and that motorcycle merge as one, then take off into the sunset... without the soulmate on as well.  
I thought they always rode together; why does he leave me behind? Doesn't he know that I am him, doesn't he know that I belong to him, the other half of his soul? Ripping me apart, unfixable truly...this jagged wound will always paint some brilliant crimson across my eyelids, when I close my eyes to dream of your heart...  
  
You are leaving me, leaving before I ever had you.  
The stars are all closed, just like your shattered and shuttered eyes... never daring to twinkle. Never daring to shine for me!   
Do they shine for anyone else, who you might be running to?  
Tears spring from my eyes... they say if you cry over someone, then you love them. But didn't I already know? Didn't you?  
Haven't you always known I loved you? Who else could ever make me cry?  
  
~~~~  
November  
Addiction  
  
Can't go back, must go back, need you back... when you were never mine... I can't love you like you need...  
  
~~~  
November  
Oubliette  
  
Oh, this is truly torture without sweet, parting only granted the sorrow...  
I feel you still holding me, desperately, and I turn and find nothing besides me but the wishful delusions I torture myself with... I'm quaking, unable to even write, to think... I smile, I joke... as my world spins I cannot speak, I cannot see... laboring under an illusion...  
  
Come back to me, please. You know you never could stay away from me... my memory will be your oubliette, pitfall on your path away from me... come away from your doomed odyssey, I implore...   
  
Aren't I worth it? Aren't I worth a moment of your time, your return?   
  
Or is this pull sheerly mine, and you lie out of the bounds... oh, it makes so much sense...  
  
If you loved me, you could never leave me, you would tell me!  
You don't need me, you bastard. All those little 'clues', leading me on...  
  
Hell, I don't need you, because you don't need me. You're in love with the beautiful blonde, the kind of person you'd be so perfect with... that's why you left.  
You LEFT because you don't want me or need me, and you're running to her...  
  
~~~~~  
December  
The love to kill  
  
Can I ever get over you? Running away, like a coward... oh, the farther I go, the deeper the serpent winds, up and through my veins... latched on to my heart.  
I will lose my ability to love, if I go one more mile from you... stretched to the breaking point, my heart will rip loose and soar... leaving me, earthbound, pathetic, remembering.   
Dead, while alive.  
It takes only a certain amatory feeling to end a life's course... even from me, Heero Yuy, legendary cockatrice; more danger embodied in me than in the sum of my parts; holistic...  
You must love someone in just the right way to kill them... the respect for their ideal... or the love of the thought of the cessation of their life. Relena Peacecraft... or, as she dreams she could be named, Peacecraft-Yuy. I do not want her.  
I never could.   
I served as her bastion to be the bastion of peace...  
I did not ever respect her ideal enough to send her to her maker for it, neither did I hate her enough.  
  
She asked me to kill her; how could I tell her her sheer unworthiness to die?  
  
And, on the absolutely beautifully perfect opposite side... sat him.  
Short... yet so airy... just on the gorgeous side of gaunt...  
... and such eyes, such eyes...  
Duo Maxwell.   
Koibito, whatever your true name is.   
Maxwell-Yuy, as I wish you could be called. I want you so bad.  
I always have, since I saw you... long trailing silken rope of auburn-chestnut... such beautiful, liquid violets...  
I would not die for you; I would live for you, the ultimate sacrifice.  
I never, ever, ever could snuff out your candle... brighter than your eyes...  
  
You said you were destined to be killed by me; how could I tell you I would rather annihilate peace than your violet eyes?  
  
~~~~  
December  
Lifeline  
  
My resolution is so drained, so wrong... no word for you or from you.  
And no gloating yet from her... perhaps... you still fly, alone, from fear of me?  
Aa, I failed once again, Heero. To measure up to you.  
  
For I cannot forget and relinquish my love...  
  
I feel it, tossed out to you, like a long endless lifeline...  
  
I feel my love in this dark shrivel, and die... like a snake, rejected and thrown back, wondering why the world would condemn it for its physical form... now wasting on the pavement, as the cruel callous world thinks it's best for a snake to die. And all like I are snakes, do you say?  
This unholy love, unhallowed shrine?  
Temple to sin and Satan?  
Father, do you not see the fervor with which I give to him, give to you?  
He has run, and YET... yet... my soul pursueth.   
  
Is this some unholy lust?  
  
How can it be, when he can do no wrong... he is so beautiful, so dedicated, single-minded sole loving.  
He cannot sin... so what I feel, what I dream... how can it be sin to love one so utterly close to God?  
  
~~~   
December  
In the dark  
  
I'm lying awake in bed... remembering what I've lost. So haunted, in this seedy motel...  
I tried drink myself to sleep, thinking alcohol could dull it, maybe... kill my pain. Never have I been so foolish...  
... my head hurts. Pain. It's new, and nearly glorious. Perhaps I have not torn my heart out yet, beloved... I think I see you, somewhere...  
smiling down at me...  
because I can feel, and I can... {( blood spot )}see...  
ah, broke the bottle... I'm bleeding... deeply... bathed...  
  
I see you... I see you...  
beloved...  
in the dark...  
  
~~~~  
December  
Epiphany  
  
I woke up in the night, drenched in fear and sweat... I felt your pain, and I felt you needed someone you didn't have...  
My god, Heero. How am I so blind?  
  
How could I know if you never loved me if I never asked?  
I'm coming Heero...  
I am coming. I'll chase you down to the gates of Hell... Relena or no Relena; sin or no sin.  
I love you, and nothing will change this.   
  
It would be my pleasure to go to hell with you.   
And we still have this life, we still hold this life in our own two hands... I can try and have you in this life...  
I can't believe how closed my eyes have been... so foolish, never to take a risk... what's held me back, fear of rejection?  
I ony have a chance if I take one...  
... and if I find you hate me, I always have power to die.  
  
~~~~  
January  
Heart  
  
White... shining... my first impression of this place, I still remember...  
I'm in the hospital.  
They're all so condescending... think I tried to slit my wrists with my own whisky bottle. Maybe I did.  
Because that's how they found me. Comatose, in my motel bed, soaked in blood, beer, whiskey, sweat, and the remnants of a pathetic dream.   
The ability of perfection has taken me so low... accepting a mission it was impossible for me to finish.  
A mission I will never let myself finish.   
Duo, I miss you... I want to get close to you, but I know I'd kill you.  
  
I can love, but I love so cold...  
This touch like ice. I'm just so unable to love him like he needs...  
I can't show the emotion he needs to thrive...  
... and sometimes, he makes me so angry, and I lose control...  
He'd be dead before long, with my "love. "   
Why can't I control myself so much as I should be able to?  
  
But then, I know the reason... bred for single-minded devotion to one ideal, I was not designed for the complexities of love, only for the stratagems of war.   
Who thought I'd survive?  
Too many factors for such a simple equation as my brain was designed for... because now, enters in the heart.  
  
~~~  
January  
Wishing  
  
I've been riding so long, I even think my mind is gone.  
Stopping every where along the line, to ask for my Heero, no one cares enough... no one has seen him; because if they had, they'd remember...  
But when I find him, the first thing I will do is hold him forever, and I can never let go.   
He doesn't hate me, that much I know...  
I don't THINK he loves Relena... she was clueless about where he is now... if he loved her, he'd go to her...   
Perhaps... perhaps he may return these feelings...   
I saw him watching me, watching me so darkly...  
It's the one wish I hold in this pointless existance; besides the continuance of peace, which is more a principle; I wish he loved me.   
  
More than anything.  
  
We'll find our damnéd bliss, together.   
If I can ever be lucky enough to find him...  
If anyone would help two of the martyrs who suffered for them...  
  
If anyone gave a damn about someone else in this world that was supposed to be   
so perfect.   
  
~~~  
  
January  
Dedication  
  
I AM getting repetitive... but it's not my fault.  
He's the only thing in my mind, even at 2:35:14 AM in the morning.  
I wonder, how ever did I fall so low?  
I could always sleep whenever I wanted to before...  
  
I wrote a poem for him.  
  
The irony hurts more than anything else...  
  
  
It's been so long   
since I wanted to live  
and when I feel this darkness returning  
sometimes just thinking  
of you  
isn't enough.  
I can't seem to see, when I'm drowning like this...  
I knock, and knock,  
and no one's home to guide me when I can't see-  
I need you now, in sadness.  
I'm so new at this pure joy,  
at this life-love...  
there are all these millions  
of words kept inside my heart, that  
don't hurt so bad when you are near...  
I need you now, so deeply...  
what right did I ever have to see you once again?  
  
you're so much better than I ever was  
and you say  
all you want right now is to hear my voice  
just the request would have me do anything  
and, god, how it scares me to love you so much...  
nothing  
I ever needed compares to this  
and I'm left stumbling as I try and find  
some way to tell the world  
how unworthy but endlessly happy  
I feel,  
and yet all comes out wrong,  
and wrong, and never right,  
I can't make them or you understand...  
I never, ever told you  
a loving, comforting word I don't mean,  
( but all those harsh ones I regret )  
and I just want to be with you now...  
  
~~~  
  
January  
Hope  
  
Hope!   
At long last, some goddamned HOPE!  
I stopped at a motel just to spend the night... just when I was thinking of turning back... and they told me they recognized the picture!  
  
He had been by about a week ago, and had just kept on going... but I'm heading in the right direction.  
God, I know by your Bible and by your church our love is wrong... but this seems to be a sign.  
Maybe that bartender's an angel...  
  
I can't stop thinking of Heero.  
All my soul is Heero. When I've been riding fourteen hours straight through deserts (Quatre lives in southwestern America, he says it feels like home... it's not so bad, except I always get sand in my bed...) and haven't yet spotted a soul, thinking of Heero gets me by.  
Even though it can get pretty cold out on the road on a motorcycle, like I'd let the weather stop me from coming for the one person I ever really loved...  
Nothing will stop me from finding him, and I absolutely refuse to give up until I am face to face with him telling him how much I love him.  
  
Then, then... there are no more obligations, unless he asks me to stay.   
  
~~~  
February  
Overtures  
  
Ah, it's been a little since I've written... a lot to tell.  
They let me out of the public hospital and sent me to a mental one.  
  
For therapy. They thought I was suicidal.  
  
I was merely drunk...  
Now they won't let me out.  
  
I'm a soldier, I'm not going to kill myself.  
  
I'm a poet, although I would like to die.  
  
Silence... cold, hard-walled, white-washed silence. Nothing is more painful except the isolation, the separation from all that exists in the real world and out of the lookin glass. And the longing... all that is I has been mislaid, in the hands of a tempting blood-red angel...  
  
I am pathetic, to have fallen to this.  
  
First to lose the new-born heart upon its very first beat to a pair of cyclamen-shade irises... the abcission before the final development, the separation of heart before full readiness.   
I loved him before I knew how to love.  
And that was the first overture, the first symphony or movement towards the fall.  
  
"The first woe is come; the final two remain. " ( 1 )   
  
Secondly, I lost my ratiocination, a sin I will never absolve myself for. I lost my ability to rationalize, to think, to plot logical courses- I lost my faith in the sum of two plus two and other banalities that trivialized and outlined my universe, and the whole world became a spotlight on Duo Maxwell.  
I know now I would have jeopardized a mission in an instant, if to save him it was necessary.   
  
" The first two woes have passed; the third is yet to come. "   
  
This third movement is yet to be finished, with feverished hands transcribing notations on this very sacred paper for the music.   
  
The staves by which my rectifications may come.  
  
For the final woe is merely this: I never told my love.  
May this woe be proven wrong.   
  
~~~  
February  
musings  
  
Disillusioned. I don't think I'll ever be able to find him.  
I've stopped at every inn in the direction I meant to go... either his start is too big, or he's not in inns.  
  
Ah, Heero... I miss you...  
  
A song from a long, long eternity ago comes to mind.  
  
Mea culpa  
je ne dors plus  
je te desire  
prends moi  
je suis a toi  
mea culpa ( 2 )  
  
Mea culpa. " I am guilty. "  
  
And thus I am, thus I will endlessly, echoingly be.  
  
bared before a stark and raw world  
nailed to your altar  
i confess my sins  
  
empathy drains from these veins  
linked to your endless forgetting  
never keeping, forgiving  
  
pinned down to the place where I die  
pinioned by endless, grasping hands  
forced to ever adore for eternity, in a land of barren touch  
  
evanescently adored, fixations never let me go  
here i stay, tied down, ever worshipping your ghost  
but even here, with spectral company, i am not alone  
  
mea culpa, to your bland and empty eyes  
i confess to the icon splashed in tears  
this, always the guilt of a soul that can't help loving you  
  
Yes, I do write for him... I bleed for him, writing's no different, really.  
  
It's cutting the vein of expression to watch something of you be sucked away by the inexorable hands of gravity, except in writing it dwindles to a mere ache as the miracle forms on the paper, blessed in red.  
  
I am yet reproaching myself...  
I had so much time never cherished, never felt, never brought close to my heart as now a glimpse would be.  
  
" He never told his love; And let concealment, like a worm in the bud Feed on his damask cheek. "  
  
Shakespeare, altered for gender. I am not the blushing maiden.   
  
If anything, I am my Heero's hero, the one following and chasing... as long as I'm not Relena. She's okay, except for her obsession with my Heero. Not physically, not literally, not truly mine; but spiritually.   
  
I am convinced he loves me. He looked at me, some times, as if I was the center of all of his belief, the root of his existence, the fundamental truth upon which he based the delineations of his ever-rational mind; like I was his concept of pi in a circular world.  
  
I never let myself see... until that night of December... perhaps that was the true beginning, but I will never let myself view this as starting any other time then October, when I knew I loved you with all of me.   
  
Dead October, the phoenix month of paradise, the paradoxical month of the withering and of the birth.  
  
The wellspring of my devotion.   
  
~~~  
February  
weary ruminations  
  
They teach me, cramming sanity and solidarity into a mind which has already an excess of these two.  
  
They refuse to believe I am rational... perhaps they are right.  
  
They mistake ambrosial travail for connoted mental instability.  
I much prefer this painful love to true insanity... perhaps there is some return to my love.  
  
Ah, the poet side of my nature is weary. It can no longer speak volumes on the beauty of his eyes, when I am so tired and have been denied them so long. If only they would release me... I am sane...  
  
I am whole... and I must rest...  
  
~~~  
  
( Footnotes- )  
(1) "The first woe is come; the final two remain. " - Anyone recognize this? Revelations...  
  
(2) Lyrics from Enigma's Mea culpa, used without permission. They translate to this:  
" I admit my guilt  
I can't sleep anymore  
I desire you  
Take me  
I'm yours  
I'm guilty "  
  



End file.
